Go from ME to WE

I spent several years working in the restaurant industry. Even since being in full time ministry, I’ve picked up the occasional gig with a restaurant. The food industry is an interesting one. There’s a lot you can learn, both good and bad, about leadership and teams from restaurants. That’s probably true of most industries, but there’s something I’ve seen in restaurants over and over that I’ve also seen on worship teams over and over. And it’s something that needs to change.

John C. Maxwell says “everything rises and falls with leadership.” That means if a change needs to be made, it starts with us. The leaders. The one’s reading this blog. The ones striving to better themselves and their teams.

So what is it that needs to change? Our pronouns.

Let me explain.

In the restaurant world it’s very common for a server, a cook, or a manager to use the words “me” or “my.” You’ll often here a server talking about “my tables” or a cook saying “my kitchen” or a manager saying “my restaurant.”

Something like, “In my kitchen we do it this way...”, or “If you work in my restaurant...”

I think it comes from a desire to show ownership over your job, which is a great thing, but it communicates something else. It communicates that you are all about you.

I often hear similar statements from worship leaders and pastors. “My stage,” “My drummer,” “my church.”

Again, owning your role and owning the ministry is great. What’s not great is making things about you.

As leaders, we need to change our pronouns. We need to go from ME to WE. From MINE to OURS.

“Our stage,” “our team’s drummer,” “our church.”

That might seem silly or like I’m playing semantics, and I suppose I am, but it communicates something different when you go from me to we. It communicates that we’re in this together. That we’re a team. That it’s not about me. That I’m for you. That I’m for us.

In her book Captivate, Author Vanessa Van Edwards discusses this very idea. She points to a recent study on the topic of pronouns in marriages. The study found this:

 “the couples who used more ‘I, Me, Mine’ had lower rates of happiness and satisfaction than the couples who used more ‘we, our, us.”

Dr. John Gottman, who performed this study, calls this the “we-ness versus me-ness mentality split.” He goes on to say, “Couples with a high degree of ‘we-ness’ emphasized their ability to communicate well with each other. They also emphasized unity and togetherness as well as having the same beliefs values and goals in life.”

Author Vanessa Van Edwards also notes, “on the other side of the spectrum, couples who used more ‘me, I, and my’ in their responses had self oriented goals and long term ideals. Not surprisingly, these couples were less happy in their marriages.”Although the study focuses on marriage, the principle is true in all relationships.

What would it be like if your entire team had the same goal, was working together, and you could tell from the words they chose?

I used to be the “my stage” guy. The “my drummer” guy. And at times in restaurants the “my kitchen” or “my tables” guy. I was trying to show ownership, but I showed how much about me I was.

When I changed my pronouns so did the people around me. When I started looking looking at us people took notice. Me to we made a huge difference. It made it less about me and more about the team. When the team is about the team it begins to achieve goals. When the team is about me, it doesn’t.

Change your pronouns.

Anyone else have this experience? What did you see?